horny potter and the bed chamber of secrets 6
by darkangelofheaven13
Summary: the same as the first one


Somewhere in the hallway...

Harry is once again roaming the hallway aimlessly. He suddenly then comes upon that Justin kid, who's laying there petrified with a hole through the seat of his pants

Harry:horrified Oh my god...

Nearly Headless Nick: Hello there, Harry!

Harry: Nick, you won't believe it, Justin's been...petrified...and ass raped, and...looks up and sees that Nick is now also petrified with a hole through his pants too...When did THAT happen?

Just then Filch comes running dramatically down the hallway

Filch: I've caught you now, Potter! Now you'll pay for raping my cat!

Harry: No...wait...I was framed! Framed, I tells ya!

Filch: You're going to Dumbledore!

Harry: NOOOOOOOO!

Filch: Shut up Pothead!

Harry: My name is POTTER will you freaks get it the FUCK right for once in your lives I mean come on it the Fuckn second movie. And NOOOOOOOOO! I shall NOT be silenced

Filch: I SAID TO SHUT UP NOW BEFORE U TO SHALL BE ASS RAPPED

Harry: AHHHHHHHHHH!HOMO!

Later in Dumbledore's office...

Harry's walking around looking at Albus' stuff

Sorting Hat: So how's the PETRIFYING going, PETRIFIER? HA HA HA!

Harry: I'm going to kill you...

Sorting Hat: Oh no, are you going to rape me? What's a matter PETRIFIER, can't find any GIRLS to PETRIFY? HA HA HA HA!

Harry: Die! Harry grabs the hat. A silhouette is shown on the wall of Harry ripping the hat to pieces, while it plays the 'Psycho' music

Growling, Harry turns around to see an old phoenix. It suddenly burns up

Harry: Oh...my god...tries to mold the ashes back into the form of a bird, but begins crying in to the ashes when he relises he can't I'm so sorry!

Albus:comes out from his sleeping quarters, looking quite pleased Damn Minerva was good-OH! Harry...such a pleasant surprise!

Harry:crying and babbling incoherent things waaaimsosorryi,waaa! ididn'tkillit,itjustwaaaburnedupandtherewasnothingicoulddoand...Waaaaaahhh!  
Albus: Harry...are you okay?

Harry:waaanoimnotWAAAA!points to the bird

Albus: Oh, you mean Fawkes? Don't worry, he's a Phoenix, he'll be reborn from the ashes and...OH MY GOD! WHAT HAPPNED TO THE SORTING HAT?

Harry:Stops crying Well he was just pissing me off, and wasn't shutting up-

Albus: YOU KILLED IT!

Harry: Hey, he wouldn't stop picking on me...what choice did I have?

Albus: YOU IGNORANT PIECE OF CRAP! THAT WAS THE ONLY SORTING HAT WE HAD! NOW HOW WILL WE KNOW WHICH HOUSE STUDENT'S ARE SUPPOSED TO BE IN?

Harry: No offense Professor, but I think these houses are causing a lot more trouble then they're worth anyway...I mean come on, this heated competion between Gryffindor and Slytherin's just getting ridiculous...

Albus: Not it's not! They've been fighting since the school started...it's a tradition, I won't let you break it!

Harry: Umm...too bad, I already did

Albus:sits down at his desk, pulls out a cigarette and lights it Ah well, I'm probably gonna die in a few years anyway, who cares. Now why are you here?

Harry: Well, Justin and Nearly Headless Nick were petrified and apparently...ass raped, and I just happened to be at the scene of the crime when Filch came running down the hallway-

Albus: Ah, say no more. Filch has it out to bust you, Potter. Heck, he could be paying these kids to rip holes in their pants, and lay there pretending to be petrified just so he can get you punished for supposingly 'raping' his cat...

Suddenly Hagrid barges in

Hagrid: He didn't do it, Professor! Harry's a good kid, he'd never do something like that!

Albus: Hagrid, this is the second time this week I've had to ask you not to barge in and yell things randomly while I'm having a conversation with a student  
Hagrid:lowers head, and walks toward the door sadly Yes Professor...I just want attention..

Harry: So ANYWAYZ, does this mean that I'm not going to be punished?

Albus: Yeah sure, whatevertakes a swig of whiskey

Harry: Yaaay! walks out of the office happily

In the hallway...

Harry's walking along when suddenly he felt something hit his feet. He looks down and sees Ken dolls laying there, with ketchup smothered over them, and holes through their pants

Filch:suddenly comes running around the corner Ha! NOW I've caught you!

Harry: Filch, they're Ken dolls for crying out loud...this is getting just a bit ridiculous...

Filch: Well you're probably right-DID YOU DO IT?

Harry: What? No, why would I be killing plastic dolls?

Filch: Well, I don't know I'm probably just being-DID YOU DO IT?

Harry: I am so out of herewalks away

Filch: Ha! Denial is the eyes of the guilty! Hey, are you listening to me Pothead? grabs some random child by the collar, and shakes them DENIAL IS IN THE EYES OF THE GUILTY!

Kid: Umm...are you feeling alright? Maybe you need to lie down...

Filch: Lie down? LIE DOWN? Oh I'll lie down alright!laughs insanely Once I prove that Potter brat guilty! HA HA HA HA! runs off down the hallway

Kid:blinks, and notices Madam Pomferey walk by her Madam? Have you by chance given Filch his medication yet?

Madam: Oh shit! I knew I was forgetting something! I just hope he wasn't acting like a dog again...

Kid:sighs Oh yeah, SO GETTING THE FUCK AWAY FROM THIS HELL THAT I USED TO CALL A SCHOOL!

At christmas...

Hermione joins Ron and Harry at the dining table that evening

Hermione: Alright, the Polyjuice Potion is ready

Harry: Polyjuice Potion?

Hermione: Oh right, I forgot to tell you. I have been brewing a potion for four months straight.

Ron: Where?

Hermione: In the girl's bathroom

Harry: Oh! So that's why you kept skipping Snape's class!

Hermione:eyes twitch Uhh...yes...that's right...that's what I was doing...heh, yep...looks at Harry Ron NO, I wasn't having sex with Gilderoy Lockheart, you nasty perverts! You can't prove anything!

Harry: We...never said you were...or suspected that you were...

Hermione:sighs with relief Oh no...of course you don't heh, heh...anyway, this potion should be able to turn us into anyone from Hogwarts. My idea was to turn you both into Crabbe and Goyle, so you could sneak into the Slytherin Common Room with Draco and find out if he is the Heir To Slytherin...or has anything to do with it anyway. All you have to do, is get a lock of hair from each of them

Harry: And how are we going that pray? Ripping hair out of Crabbe and Goyle's head, is like plucking the hair from an oger's backside. You know the beast is dumber then a log, but you also are aware that this bumbling clod can rip you in half

Hermione: Simple. I've filled two cupcakes with a sleeping potion. This should put the two to sleep momentarily. You can hide them in closet, and take their hair from there.

Ron: Alright, and who's hair are you ripping out?

Hermione: Oh, I've already got mine. A piece of Severus' hair. Cut a piece off in dention when he was turned around.

Harry: Are you sure you want to be him? You know he is a male...there are a few things about males that may take getting used to...

Hermione: Pfft, been there done that...a little too much, actually...anywhoo, I see the two dunderheads leaving, you both better get to it.

Ron stuffs a half eaten frog in his mouth, and puts some crayons in his pocket for later snacking, and runs off with Harry

Okay, so Crabbe and Goyle find the cakes, eat them, fall asleep, and are dragged into the closet

Harry: Okay, now let's get the hair

Ron: Look, there's some on their robes. Let's just take that

Harry: Eh, I don't see what harm it could do.

Later in the restroom...

Hermione:hands cups of potion to Harry and Ron Okay, let's get this over with

They all drink it, Ron and Hermione run off to throw up

Harry:looks at himself in the mirror. He sprouts long brown hair, and suddenly has a face like woman, with heavily applied make up on Uhh...uh oh...  
Ron comes out of the bathroom, with long blonde hair, and also has a lot of makeup on

Harry: Ron...why do we look like strippers?

Ron: Oh no...we got the wrong hair!

Harry: Okay...okay...don't panic...

Hermione comes out of the restroom, in Snape's body

Hermione: Oh my god...what happened to you two?

Harry: We got the wrong hair! Now we're...women!

Hermione: Whores, to be precise. Well no matter...I've got an idea...


End file.
